Looking Back

Today I brought home the first oil painting I ever did. It was at my Mom's home that I disassembled  to move her into assisted living after a tragic stroke. When a shocker happens like this, your reflect. When we finished moving her to assisted living, there was not room for it in her tiny new apartment. She loved it and it remained on her wall for 45 years. I always thought she was just trying to be a proud Mom by humoring me. As I moved it into my home studio, I was struck that it dictated to me my current interest in the color white. White snowy areas dotted with black trees and a bright sun. Who knew that I would be doing white paintings today in galleries with confident palette knife, 45 years later. I painted that one right out of a tube incredibly 45 years ago, taking a prompting from LaMar Dodd, my esteemed University of Georgia teacher, squeezing the paint onto the canvas and smushing it with a palette knife. Of course, YEARS of classical study followed. If only I could have stayed as pure and bold, what would I have accomplished by today's standard? It took me that long to catch up with that simplicity. I was almost angry, but life is not about staying simple. It is about learning, growing and changing.

I am so glad I had the opportunity to look back and know what was good. Of course, all those Thanksgiving dinners looking at that painting hanging above the buffet table shouted at me, "this is not what is good, do better," and all the while, that painting was my better. Even Chris, my husband, and the only trusted confidant about my feelings of an excellent standard said, "it has always been one of your best." We at that time were falling in love, and I just thought he was trying to flatter me. I never really knew till today how I felt about it as it found its place amongst the present paintings in my studio. Shock. confusion, reflection, revelation, what life gives us to learn lessons not in good timing, but many years for THE perfect timing for that aha moment. Ann Templeton, a mentor, now deceased, told me once, "you will do one painting that is above your level and find yourself later catching up to that one." She was a wise woman who knew the power of the subconscious mind. I beleived it, but never did I really know that meaning till now. 

Last week I did a 30 x30 palette knife demonstration in one hour in front of an audience, bringing the painting to finish. Always it is a push to do a painting that large in front of an audience, but through the years I have learned the power of the subconscious mind, and trust it. At a college sophomore level, this white tree painting was accomplished purely from the subconsious because I had very little training.  Again, the lesson is to trust and know that at any given point in time, we can "bring it." The rest of the time... is about the time given toward the journey. At some point, we will just know.

I have posted the first painting here and paired it with the recent one. You observe decide. Would love your feedback.